


The Vamp In The Hat

by Mad Poetess (mpoetess)



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Cliche, Filk, M/M, Parody, Poetry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-19
Updated: 2009-11-19
Packaged: 2017-10-03 09:37:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mpoetess/pseuds/Mad%20Poetess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Utter perversion, going to hell, Spike/Xander clichés and trisyllabic meter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Vamp In The Hat

The sun shone outside. It was too bright to play. So Spike sat on Giles' sofa, all during the day. Spike sat there with Xander. They sat there, they two. And Spike said, "How I wish we had something to do!" Too bright to go out and too chipped to go kill. And Xander was pouting, all silent and still. All Spike could do was to Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! And Spike did not like it. Not one little bit.

And then something went BUMP! That bump made Xander jump!

He looked, and saw Spike, wearing only a hat. And Spike said to him, "Why do you sit there like that? I know it is bright. And the sun is too sunny. But we can have lots of good fun that is funny! I know some good games we could play," said that brat. "I know some new tricks," said the Vamp in the Hat. "A lot of good tricks. I will show them to you. Old Rupert won't mind very much if I do."

Then Xander just didn't know quite what to say. The Watcher was out of his house for the day. But his conscience said, "No! Make that vamp go away! Tell that Vamp in the Hat you do NOT want to play. He should not be here. His cock should not be out. He should not be naked and flopping about!"

"Now! Now! Have no fear." said the Vamp in the Hat. "My tricks are not bad," said the fangy blond brat. "Why, we can have lots of good fun and romance, with a game that I call DOWN - DOWN -DOWN - with your pants."

"Pull them up!" Xander cried. "This is no fun at all!" (Although really, it was.) "They do NOT wish to fall!"

"Have no fear!" said the Vamp. "I will not let them fall. I will hold them quite tight as I suck on your balls. With some lube in one hand, and the other on you -- But that is not ALL I can do!"

Xander: "Ooooh."

"Look at me! Look at me now!" cried the brat. "With your balls in my mouth, I can still tip my hat. I can hold up your pants! I can tickle your ass! And if you'll tweak your nipples, we'll have us a blast! And look! I can slurp up and down on your balls! But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not all... Look at me! Look at me! Look at me NOW! It is fun to have sex -- But you have to know how. I can hold up your pants, as I suck on your balls. I can hold up your ass, when you weaken and fall. When I let go your balls, I can suck on your cock -- and look at it, Harris -- it's hard as a rock! I can still lick your cock, as we fall on the bed, and put down one hand so you don't hit your head."

That is what the Vamp said... Then they fell on Giles' bed!

They came down with a bump. When Spike fondled his balls, Xander said "Screw it!" and let his guard fall.

And his conscience yelled, "No! Dude, you hate him -- a lot!" It said, "Do I like this? Oh, no! I do not. This is not a good game," said the conscience to Xan.

Who said "Fuck you -- this Vamp makes me feel like a man!"

"Now look what you did!" said Spike's conscience, to him. Yes, he has one -- it's just very tiny and dim. "Don't sink your cock deep in his ass, Vamp in Hat. He's straight as a thing that is straighter than that! You've messed with his mind -- he did not have a choice. Just get out of the bed!" said the mean little voice.

"But I like to be here. Shut up and play dead," said the Vamp in the Hat to the voice in his head. "I will NOT go away. I do NOT wish to go! And so," said the Vamp in the Hat, "So so so... I will show you another good game that I know!"

And then he pulled out. And, then, fast as a fox, the Vamp in the Hat Came back with a box. A breadbox-sized box. It was shut with a hook.

"Now look at this trick," said the Vamp. "Take a look!" Then he got up on top with a tip of his hat. "I call this game FUN-IN-A-BOX," said that brat. "In this box are two things I will show to you now. You will like these two things," said the Vamp with a bow. "I will pick up the hook. You will see something new. Two things. And I call them Thing One and Thing Two. These Things will not bite you. They want to have fun."

Then, out of the box came Thing Two and Thing One!

And Spike slipped one Thing on Xander's cock, with a grin, and the other Thing went right where _Spike's_ cock had been! And Xander just shuddered, for what could he do? He did not like Thing One, but he _did_ like Thing Two.

He shook like a leaf. But his conscience said, "No! Those Things should not be in this house! Make them go! They should not be here when the Watcher is not! Take it off! Pull it out!" said the wee whiny snot.

"Have no fear, little man," said the Vamp in the Hat. "These Things are good Things." He gave Xander a pat. "They are tame. Oh, so tame! They have come here to play. They will give you some fun on this bright, sunny day. Now, here is a game that they like," said the Vamp. He tightened Thing One; Xander's cock-tip got damp.

Then he pushed with Thing Two, 'til he moved it just right. Xander cried, "Oh God," and then "Arrrgh!" and then "Spike!"

But he just couldn't come, since Thing One was so tight, and Spike whispered, "Mmm. I could do this til night." Then Xander groaned loudly, and Spike only grinned. He pulled Thing Two out, and he pushed Thing Two in. In! Out! Out! In! "You look sexy as sin."

Thing Two and Thing One made him writhe under Spike. His conscience gave up, and decided, "I like!" His eyeballs rolled back in the depths of his head, as the wall got hit hard with the head of the bed. Then Spike lifted his legs very high in the air, and over his shoulders, and paused, then, to stare.

And he said, "I quite like this new game that we play. If your mother could see you, Oh, what would she say!"

But his ears said, "Look! Look!" And he almost felt fear. "The Watcher is on his way home! Do you hear? Oh, what will he do to us? What will he say? Oh, he will not like it to find us this way!"

"So, DO something! Fast!" said his cock. "Do you hear!"

"Yes, I hear him," said Spike. "But an orgasm's near!"

"So," said his cock, "Think of something to do! You will have to get rid of Thing One and Thing Two!"

So, as fast as he could, Spike got rid of Thing One. Xander moaned as his cock wept, now almost undone. "Don't come now, not yet -- this game's just about won!"

Then Spike pulled on Thing Two. It came out with a PLOP! And he slipped in his cock. Xander screamed, "Spike! Don't stop!"

Then he pounded and pushed. Xander moaned with delight, and he thought, "This is is very much fun -- Spike was right!" As he shuddered with pleasure and finally came, he decided that this was a Very Good Game.

Then Spike shut up the Things in the box with the hook -- but his cock had a very unsatisfied look. Xander smiled as he put both his hands on _Spike's_ Thing -- and he jerked it so hard that Spike started to sing!

When Spike came in his hand, Spike sang, "Dear God above -- I thought this was just sex, but I swear, I'm in love!"

He wasn't, but Xander knew that was okay -- there was always tomorrow, with more games to play. And sooner or later, that Vamp in the Hat would mean it, and they would go pick out a cat. They would pick out a cat and a flat, and that brat with the bleachy blond hair would be _his_ bleachy brat.

But the Watcher was coming -- Spike heard the car door, so they cleaned up the bed, and they cleaned up the floor. Xander pulled up his pants, and they said "That is that!"

"Oops!" Spike yanked on his clothes, with a tip of his hat.

Then the Watcher came in and he said to those two, "Did you have any fun? Tell me. What did you do?"

And Xander and Spike... they had nothing to say. Should they tell Giles the things that went on there that day? Should they tell him about it? Now, what SHOULD they do? Well... What would YOU do if your Watcher asked YOU?

**Author's Note:**

> ...IDEK. I'm so sorry, Mr. Geisel.


End file.
